The Firestarter

There must be something about extraordinary grief, frustration, anger, and self-pity that makes me knit like a train.

I mean that in the “speedy” sense, not the “steam engine whistle” sense. What?

I’ve been knitting a lot. A LOT. An almost absurd amount. I keep starting things and needing to knit and feel a sense of accomplishment, because it feels a lot like the rest of my world has been crushed like a can and there’s nothing I can do about it but knit. I feel trapped inside my own head, with all my ugly, angry, pathetic thoughts, and sometimes knitting helps, and sometimes it sticks me back in there as I stare at my hands.

I really miss my dad (he’s probably reading, hi dad!). He’s staying at my aunt’s house while they are in Australia, and taking care of their dog, and not getting up at 5am to drive an hour to get to work. He comes home on weekends, and it sucks. I really miss him, because everything is in upheaval and my mom works late one night a week and goes out another night, and I just haven’t been getting the attention I want. Maybe that’s selfish; it’s been all about me and crying and my pitiful self for the last six weeks, but my mom, I think, pays more attention to my (younger) sister than to me. She assumes I can take care of myself, and that’s true most of the time, but having my dad around means the attention is more evened out. I guess I’m tired of (or annoyed by) taking care of myself: I want someone to take care of me!

Since J and I broke up (cheating fucker) I’ve felt really lonely and lost. It’s getting better, I guess, but I’m hoping this is the depression stage so that I can move maybe on into acceptance. I saw a picture of him and his new little whore the other night, and I just lost it. I really hate thinking about him, and everything we did, and everything we had, and what I shoulda-woulda-coulda done, and blah blah blah bullshit.

I think knitting is helping. I guess knitting is helping. It feels like the one stable thing I can hold on to is my own knitting skillz, and that’s made me knit a bit like a madwoman. I’ve finished three things in March already– the Elefante, the hat, and now my Firestarters– and I can’t help myself. I keep starting things and knitting and being a bit insane.

I’m also spreading the bug. Molly came by Lovelyarns on Saturday and bought some bulky alpaca for her second scarf. I’m going to teach her how to do ribbing. Franny hasn’t been coming to knitting at lunch lately, but she’s got things to do I imagine. Julie picked knitting up again and told me a number of times how funny it was and hahaha she was doing it as her action for “old people” in acting class. I was like, Julie, hello, knitting isn’t just for your grandmother anymore, and she said, “Oh I knit her a scarf once!” Then in Physics she wouldn’t shut her mouth about how boring it was, and I was quite short tempered. STFU.

I miss my dad. I miss my shitty ex’s attention. He’s in town for his spring break (after spending the weekend boning his slut) and it’s the first time in two years that his being on break isn’t about us being together. It fucking sucks.

I want to knit selfishly and do nothing else. I want to work full time on my senior project. I started carding today and it was pretty sweet, although now my hands are tired. I have a long road ahead of me in the carding department.

Dude, I was totally going to post about my Firestarter socks that I finished this evening, but I obviously had other things on my brain.

I miss my dad.

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4 comments

  1. argh. I’m sorry you are having a rough time. It gets better, but there are always days when you think “we should be doing this” and it gets you down. The best thing to do is to get out and do something totally different, with someone who is awesome and deserves your time and attention. Trust me, my first Valentine’s alone after my sucky cheating ex, I went to a play with my best friend and a good guy friend. Everyone looked at the guy like “woah, how did that guy get TWO girls on Valentine’s day?!” and it was hilarious.

    Anytime you’re down and want to get out and do something shoot me an email. I’m usually around and I’m usually willing to procrastinate! Of course, I’m leaving on Saturday for 2 weeks to go to Korea, so that kind of preempts doing anything, but when I get back we should definitely go to a movie or something… I mean, we live like 3 blocks away for each other, right?!

  2. E- you have every right to miss your dad and need and want attention from BOTH parents.

    It is kind of a whack in the head for me reading this…I realized I definitely give more attention to my daughter (7) than my son (10)….because he is older.

    I think the fact that you are knitting through this is great. Knitting is calming and relaxing and if it takes your mind off the unworthy one, then it is a GOOD thing!

    Keep plugging…one day you will wake up and NOT think of him…..then later you will think of him with pity.

  3. I’m sorry you’re so sad, E. Go ahead and knit selfishly for awhile. It’s a good time to focus on yourself for a bit.

    There’s probably at least half a dozen guys at your school who think J is a damn fool and they’re right! I’m not saying you should go date some other dude right now. But I bet J’s foolery has inspired hope in the hearts of a few classmates. ๐Ÿ™‚

    But, this part is going to sound weird, enjoy your sad times. OK, enjoy is NOT the right word. But a bit of sadness is good for the pysche. It can be a soul-cleansing time. So, don’t feel like you have to cheer up right away. You deserve a bit of a wallow after what you’ve been through.

    And soon, it will be spring and it’s hard to be sad all the time during spring.

  4. I’m sorry you feel like everything sucks right now. You know, when I went through that awful breakup I told you about, I did nothing but knit as well. Made some fuzzy feet and a devil hat and a scarf for my mom and an earwarmer for my dad and…you get the point.

    Go for it, knit it out. You’ll feel better. ๐Ÿ™‚


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